Random Thoughts

I tried to post earlier this week about Jed and the hospital but I couldn't bring myself to write anything.

There are a group of women that I have met on a fertility message board site when I was trying to get pg with Emma. We have a lot in common besides just trying to get pg. We have been together for about 2 years and we have been through a lot. I posted my thoughts and feeling to them.

I am going to paste that post here because I want to remember how I felt. And I want you to understand what I was going through as well.

I typed this on Tuesday, March 25, 2008.

My husband is dieing really dieing this time and not just fighting the cancer. We or rather he is stopping the chemo. He is being moved to a hospice soon. They are just doing pain management right now. How am I handling this - I have not freaking idea!!!

JKab your offer for a weekend sounds really nice. Can I come now and just let Jed die alone? I know, I know that sounds horrilbe but my way of dealing with stuff is to run away and what better place to runaway to than Paris. I'll come back and he will be dead and the funeral will be over and then I don't have to deal with any of this. Can't I just run away? Because I don't know how to do this anymore. I want out of my life now.

I always tell people God doesn't give you anymore that you can handle. That is my mom's mantra to me. She says you can handle this because you tell me God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle - well I can't handle this. What made God think I could handle a dieing husband? How do you watch someone die? How do you plan a funeral? Where do you hold a funeral? He doesn't want anything in a church or anything to do with anything religious. He is not even a Christian so when I die I won't see him anymore. How do I make him a Christian really fast? I always thought I would have time to get him to become a Christian but I am running out of time. Can I just ask him to do it for me? Would he?

I need a nanny. I think I am going to call someone tomorrow and see what I can do about getting one because I need someone here with Emma while I am with Jed. I wish my mom did not have knee surgery so she could come take care of Emma. I wish I had lived here for 4 years instead of Germany so I could take her to a friends house. I need friends here. I have no friends here. Well I have one but I am scared to ask her but I may need to. Okay I can't type anymore.